Drying Out My Masterpiece Number 2703: Birds in Beards

Showing posts with label Birds in Beards. Show all posts

I Sent My Grandma a Coloring Book In the Mail, and You Will Believe What Happened Next!

She colored it, of course!

New Today: Birds in Beards Coloring Book: A love story.

I really thought it would be an April Fool's Joke- Amazon said 3-5 days- and then I woke up this morning, and it was there! So! Time to celebrate!

This is Birds in Beards Coloring Book: A love story.

The "love story" is the epic poem that I wrote to go with the pictures. It's the same old tale: Girl meets boy, boy has birds in his beard, you know the one. You've heard it all before.

You may think it's nice, and you may think it's weird,
but beware of the man with a bird in his beard.

Part of a Poem and a Free Coloring Page

To accompany my epic coloring book, I wrote a poem. Each stanza will go next to a picture.

Here are some snippets of the poem- the stanzas next to some possible blog readers. Can you guess which stanza goes with Professor Batty? Jono? BAH? Bobby Lee? John Francis?

When he got the owl

I mentioned "addiction,"

but he just laughed;

it inspired his "fiction."

His behavior continued

getting weirder and weirder.

I wanted him to shave,

but he just got bearder and bearder.

Wearing masks in the night

and feeding birds on his tongue-

regurgitated food!

His ideas were far flung.

But I started to get worried

about death and strange things:

if he died, would the bird follow him?

and haunt me and my siblings?

And then he took up with

a sweet old Sage Grouse.

and I began to consider

if he should be my spouse?

There were worse men out there-

who didn't have a birdhouse

already in their beard,

but was it really so weird?

They were cute for a while,

until he got too obsessed.

He stayed on the couch

and the house was a mess.

The chickens were on him

every day and every night.

No one was there

to sympathize with my plight!

Every time I got up to go to the loo,

he would say,

"What are you going to do?

Can you get me a drink

or a spoon of Nutella?

I've got chicks on me, you see.

I'm a really nice fella.

But I can't move a muscle

or the chicks will get cold!

You understand, don't you?

I can't lose my hold."

Then he went and got a turkey!

And then there was the day

when things really went south;

the hummingbirds were there,

attacking his mouth.

The swans came and

lived with us.

He didn't think it queer

to have a whole nest there,

living in his beard.

As time went on,

he got a dreamy look in his eye-

a peace dove on his shoulder,

I did not know why.

10.

Then he cheered up

as the weather got colder,

a full sized swan

in his beard and on his shoulder.

Free coloring page! Share it with your friends. The Birds in Beards Coloring Book is coming April 1.

Old School

After trying to make my book cover several times in drawing programs, I succeeded- and somehow saved it at 70 dpi, and couldn't get it any better. I don't know why.

So, I have reverted to old school paper, pens, construction paper, scissors, and glue. It's coming along nicely.

I still have to scan it, of course.

I went to scan all of the pictures for my book at the local public library, and they were having a Celtic Harp Tea, which is apparently when a harpist plays lovely music, audience members drink tea and eat crumpets, clapping after each song, and one person very quietly and carefully scans 33 drawings of beards and birds, saving it all on a handy thumb drive and sneaking away as quickly and quietly as possible into the pouring rain, pictures safely tucked into a laptop bag.