I ate Professor Batty's fat free cheese. Here's what happened.

I have never made a Commandments of Living Deliciously, but if I did, "Never Eat Fat Free Cheese" would be high on that list, perhaps number seven or so, right after, six, "Avoid Light Beer," but before eight, "Always Accept Pie From Women Over Fifty." So when Professor Batty came to visit all the way from Flippist World Headquarters, and he gave me this:

I didn't quite know what to say.

"It's good on everything!" He declared. "Eggs, leftovers, everything!"

"Well," I replied, "we have eggs and leftovers all the time, so that's great!" 

I said this because, although "Never Eat Fat Free Cheese" is number seven of my Commandments of Living Deliciously, number three is, "Always Graciously Accept Gifts, No Matter How Weird."

So the cheese was set aside. And ignored. And thought about. And ignored...

I had a conundrum on my hands. A real catch twenty-two, because while number seven demands that I avoid fat free cheeses, number eighteen states not to throw out expensive foods. That cheese container is much enlarged for the photo, and yet the lofty Professor paid a whole $6.99 for it! And he had a reason. The Professor read about this cheese in a book... And I'm not even going to get into my rules about things in books!

So, I had to eat the cheese.

Today for breakfast, I made an egg omelette with leftovers. The cheese beckoned. It said, "Eat me, Shoshanah! Eat me!"

And so I suggested I would put a little on my omelette. Not on BAH's omelette, just on mine. I opened it, and it was green. Green! Well, hopefully it won't kill me. I'll just put it on my omelette, give it a chance. BAH asked if today's omelette might be good with ketchup, and I said yes, probably, but I'll just try mine first, and then, and then, and then...

O.M.G. 

At first, it seemed like a bit of saltiness, a lot like mozzarella. But it had nuances of other things, like garlic roasted and fresh field of daisies, like morning rain, like wild mushrooms and... Oh. My. Gosh.

I should really take a picture of this and blog about it, I thought. 

And I ate some more. One more bite. 

I should really take a picture of this and blog about it, I thought. 

And I ate some more. One more bite. 

I should really take a picture of this and blog about it, I thought. 

And I ate some more. One more bite. 

And on and on. I really meant to take a picture. It was just so tasty! So very, very tasty. And what is the point of living deliciously, if one must stop to document living deliciously? I finally did get one picture, though:

I would like to thank Professor Batty for giving me that cheese.

Men-U

Z made this menu for when the Batties came to dinner, "So we can pretend to be nice people who do that sort of thing."

Sorry it's wrinkled! I fished it out of the trash. Z is eight years old. 

The Greatest Meeting Since Elvis Met The Beatles

Mr. and Mrs. Batty (as my daughter calls them) came to visit yesterday evening, all the way from Flippist World Headquarters! They even came bearing gifts.This is an original Wanda Gäg picture that the Professor stole from the famous archive of Minnesota:

The Batties ate lamb with us, and I learned that you aren't supposed to tell the name of the lamb while you are eating it- who knew? We went outside for drinks, and while I was being eaten alive by mosquitos, Mr. Batty took this picture,

I was so thoroughly bitten in the face that today, my friend Marca asked me if I was suffering from hives! (True story.) Batty handed the camera to Big Z, and she somehow melted space and time to create this picture,

I guess it's time I finally admitted that the red VW is, in fact, the Great Space Coaster, and can therefore create wormholes at will. Phew. Glad I got that off my chest! Come to think of it, I should have loaned it to the Batties so they could fly back to their home world of Minnesota! Maybe I can remember that next time. 

Thank you for visiting, Professor Batty and the Weaver! A good time was had by all. (Except for the lamb, who from now on shall remain nameless [poor Sevilla].)

Book Party with Special Guest Star Professor Batty

I had a book release party today. 

I was surprised, awed, and overwhelmed when none other than Professor Batty (flippistarchives.blogspot.com) walked in the door! 

And then, before I even got over my star struck excitement, I introduced Professor Batty to someone as Jon. Which is not his name, never has been his name, but my brain consistently insists that is his name. He drove five hours and I called him the wrong name.

A weird guy once said to me, "there's an asshole in every crowd, and sometimes it's you."

Nevertheless, he didn't say anything to correct me, and we had a good time, anyway. I couldn't just let him go straight home after the book reading, so we wandered around my little town and ate dinner. 

Not there. Here:

He took lots of pictures for maximum internet embarrassment later, I'm sure. 

**************

When I got home, I talked on the phone with my wild and crazy mother, and then I realized I had sheep to look after. I walked out and discovered Sevilla the sheep had had twins! They seem strong. It was starting to rain, and I felt it was important for the newborns to have shelter. I opened the gate that leads to a small shelter. Sevilla and her twins were as far from the shelter as they could possibly be. I figured that if I took her babies to the shelter, Sevilla would follow. So, I put one little lamb under each of my arms. One of them was still wet from being born! They started squirming and crying,

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

And I started marching across the field. Sevilla followed, with a deep,

"Baaah! Baaah!" And the little ones kept squirming under my arms,

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Baaaaaaaah"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

Going across the field... And then Sevilla had to stop and get herself a drink. She took her own sweet time, too, (she did just give birth, twice) while her twins squirmed in my arms,

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

They have high pitched cries, almost like baby humans. 

Sevilla finally decided to follow me again. I put the little newborns in the shelter. 

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

"Mwaaaah! Mwaah!"

Sevilla followed. Everyone else followed, too. Sheep everywhere! 

We now have four live little lambs, total. Three still pregnant. 

Synergy Achieved

As you know, Professor Batty and the Weaver met me for lunch today. The following is a play-by-play of this exciting event:

12:00 I arrive at the coffee shop. Look around. See no Batty.

12:03 In the corner of the coffee shop sits a man who could be Professor Batty, if Professor Batty, since the last photo he posted of himself, had drunk a pint of gin every day and also had his hair cut by weasels. I tentatively approach the man. "Are you meeting someone here?" I ask.

"No," he says, and suddenly looks friendlier. "Don't know what they look like?"

"Not entirely sure."

I should have told Batty to wear a red carnation on his lapel. What was I thinking?

12:04 Professor Batty and the Weaver arrive, guns drawn, and clear out the saloon with a... I'm sorry. That's a different story. Professor Batty and the Weaver arrive and lavish me with gifts. I, in turn, present three young sheep- or maybe just some of their wool, for the Weaver.

12:05-1:35 We have much conversation of blogs past. I am amused to learn that the Weaver doesn't read blogs.

1:36 I start to sign a copy of my book to give to Prof. Batty. "Your real name is John, right?"

"No."

1:40 We pose for a picture. (The Weaver is taking the photo.)

Old School Bloggers Batty (Not Named John) and Me (Also Not Named John)

1:45 I attempt to give Mr. and Mrs. Batty a tour of our fare village, only to find that most of my fellow villagers observe a day of rest on Mondays, and almost everything is closed.

1:53 A trip to Mindless Minion Central is suggested, for purposes of visiting mindless sheep and generally killing time in the beauty of nature. 

1:57 I visit the Frank Lloyd Wright inspired bed and breakfast which is Batty Headquarters Abroad. Very impressive. Too bad I live here and can't justify staying there.

2:13 In the car: I am pleased to see that the Battymobile has spiffy coat hangers in back, actually put to their proper use.

2:17 Mindless Minion Central i.e. The farm i.e. Hammerdown Manor is shown to Batty, but he seems to know it well.

2:20 Sheep skittish. As usual. Pictures taken. Documentation.

2:23 Beautiful day, isn't it?

2:40 Still beautiful day. Chances of thunderstorm discussed.

3:00 Battymobile rolls back to town.

3:01 Synergy achieved.

Blog of the Month Award

I would like to start a thing where I give out an award each month for the best blog. There are too many blogs to really say which one is the bestesteverohmygodit'sgreat! for once and all time, so I thought a monthly thing would be nice. But then I thought, what are the criteria?

1. I like to read it. (duh)
2. It's compelling for other people who aren't me, probably. Which means: No friends. I'm not going to have anyone I have ever met in person be the author of the blog of the month- although, let it be known, I love my friends' blogs!
3. Nothing that millions of people read. This is small. I want to promote people who deserve more attention than they get.

So, that being said, the first Blog of the Month is Professor Batty's "Flippism is the Key," which I have been following for, oh... eight years? I think?

Holy cow! It must be really good, right? It is. He's got it all: fact, fiction, great photography, and it's updated all the time. He's on his game. That must be why he's the Professor, eh?

It had to be this month, if I were to follow rule number two, because guess what? I'M GOING TO MEET PROFESSOR BATTY IN PERSON!!!

Yep. That's right. I get to meet Professor Batty and the Weaver, his partner in... well, his partner.

I'm so excited, I even created a countdown clock:

Congratulations, Professor Batty.