We need sign for yard. Folk being fast making like. Offspring gentle sacred fast smushy danger.

The picture is from the latest addition to my blogrole, Engrish Funny.


Earlier today, I was cutting up one of those unwanted credit cards you get in the mail, and I cut a tiny sliver of my thumb off. I stood there for a brief moment, watching it bleed, waiting for it to quickly heal and regenerate, like Claire on "Heroes". Then I realized that this was not going to happen. I ran to the bathroom and wrapped it up.

I've been watching a lot of Heroes. All of season one, actually. I like it. It's so unrealistic, and yet so exciting!

I already knew I was a geek, so I'm good with that label. I, like, own it and shit.

The Grande Marsha

The Queen of Middleton.

This is her, "no more outa you!" look.

I love Marsha.

You dainty little pastry, Spencer

Even though B. was feeling terribly under the weather today, he still managed to make several decadent little desserts.

More political theorizing by a mindless minion

I have a theory about John McCain, which I reallly hope is true, but I suppose that only John McCain himself knows.

It starts eight years plus ago. I know this is ancient history now, but I'd like you to remember, for just a moment, who John McCain was eight years ago, when he ran against George Bush. He was really interesting. He had a lot of great ideas about campaign finance reform, abortion, and the environment, ideas which the other Republicans were not really willing to talk about. He was a maverick. I was planning on voting for him if he won the nomination. (I can hear your virtual gasp. Yes, I, mindless minion number 2.703, was planning once on voting for a Republican for president.)

Fast forward six years, to two years ago, and something really bizarre happened. John McCain became a different person. He started voting with George Bush on everything. Everything. Everything. He stopped talking campaign finance reform. He voted that torturing our prisoners was okay. He, who was himself tortured and an advocate of all of those ever tortured, he voted that we, the U.S., COULD TORTURE. He hugged George Bush, whom he formerly hated - and I mean really, really hated him. He even said that Roe vs. Wade should be overturned! And then he nominated this psycho fundamentalist cookoo brain for V.P.? What the?

My theory is this: he really, really wants to be president, and two years ago, John McCain decided to do anything it takes to win, and I do mean anything it takes. And then, once he's in office, the old, true McCain will return.

That's my theory.

But since only McCain knows what McCain is thinking, and since McCain made all of those horrible votes in the Senate, and since Barack Obama is supposedly the most liberal voter in the Senate, I am definitely voting for Obama!

"I need your teeth for my lonely heart's club band, Spencer."

Okay, yes, this is a parody of the Chairman of the Federal Reserve. OBVIOUSLY! DUH!

But who? Who is Spencer?

I love, love, love this video. I have no clue who the heck these kids are, but they are wonderful.

"You are a tall glass of water."

Why aren't these guys afraid?

These guys climbed up there with chain saws attached to their belts. In case you can't tell, that's pretty high up there.

Joseph Conrad's Favorite Juice Blend

I got this juice for Zelma, because she so loves mangos. I didn't really read the label before I got it home and Brian pointed this out. The label says, "Heart of Darkness." (Sorry about the photo quality. It kept squirming. You know how these juice containers can be...)

Juice? Heart of Darkness juice? What the?

Darn! It's so cute!

I saw this bracelet on the internets tubes, and I think it's really hot, but I'm not sure about the size. I mean, I have really big wrists. It doesn't say anywhere on it how what the size is. How will I know if it is going to fit me?

The Lighter Side of Sickness, Death, etc.*

I used to work with this woman who was often absent from work, taking off due to a recently deceased relative or a sudden illness. Most often, it was a deceased relative. Sometimes, she would come back from her bereavement with a sun tan, in the dead of winter. She averaged over one death a month, throughout the school year, but things definitely got worse toward the end of the year. This, of course, annoyed me to no end. I mean, how could she take so much time off, while the rest of us worked all the time?

Now that I'm a substitute teacher again, however, I have an entirely different take on the matter. It's people like her who keep me in business.

This is great!

Sickness and death actually have a big up side. I have four words for it:

1. money

2. in

3. the

4. bank

And, you know, if someone has a certain habit of creatively articulating situations, perhaps an alternate definition of the word "relative" or the word "death," "sick," or the phrase, "unable to work," well, so much the better.

All in a day's work, as they say. I'm just doing my "job".

* I initially posted this yesterday, but then when I saw, "September 11," and "The Lighter Side of Sickness, Death, etc." I said, "Holy @#$% @#$%!!! I can't post this today!" Meaning no disrespect to anyone, of course.

Cheap vacation options

A certain relation to me - you can probably guess who, but I won't name names - has been sampling the homeless shelters. She just stays at a shelter now and then, to see what it is like. One has a ping pong room, she tells me, very nice. Another one has a lot of people just out of San Quentin, so you don't want to stay there.

She also has an active interest in various park benches around the Bay Area, primarily for daytime use.

She doesn't like the apartment where she lives. She would rather stay in this place that costs $900 a month, and you have a roommate, but at least there's no dust. She hates the dust in her apartment. ("The dust! The dust! I just can't take the dust here!") I suggested an air purifier from Sears. She seemed ready to act on this idea. ("I'm not good at shopping these days, because of my knees, but I can go to Sears.") I hope it works out for her.



So, Sarah Palin says she was never a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, and The Alaskan Independence Party says, oh yes, you have been a member since 1994. Why would Ms. Palin lie?

Well, as you may have guessed, I have a theory about this:

Brian and I were talking it over at breakfast, and it goes something like this: Sarah Palin is one hard-core member of the Alaskan Independence Party, but she has to hide it so that she can become President of the United States. Once she's elected V.P. to John I'm-Super-Old McCain, if he doesn't die naturally, she'll slip something into his coffee to hurry things up a bit. Then, once he's out of the way, she'll let the Alaskans become their own country. Congress will declare war, of course, to protect the oil and other natural resources, but Commander in Chief Palin won't send any troups and the six hundred thousand odd Alaskans will win their independence. Then we will all be riding bicycles because gas will be ten dollars a gallon, the world will cool down a bit, and all will be right in heaven and on earth. Yes, I'm an optimist- not a Lemony Snicket optimist, but still an optimist, none the less.

God bless America. And Alaska, too!

Have you seen this?

Did any of you see the "Bob for President" news clip?

I couldn't figure out how to post it here, but it's well worth watching.

Double click on this on the black background... and click arrow to play the news program.

What I wish I could do better

I wish I could:

-walk a distance without tripping
-tell the difference between grey and brown or blue and purple
-keep a straight face
-think of a come-back less than ten minutes later
-read those security captchas that you have to type in to make comments and stuff

We all know this may end badly, right?

Maybe you've noticed that the whole Barack Obama lifestyle/movement/campaign/fashion statement has become a little... prophetic? I'm not sure if that's the word. But when he let the fireworks explode over Denver, something happened. It felt a bit too much like a Hollywood movie, like the type of Hollywood movie that borrows from the legend of the "Hero's Journey," as explained by Joseph Campbell in his books (especially "the Hero with a Thousand Faces") and in a Bill Moyer special that nobody likes to watch but me.

The basic hero's journey goes like this:

1. Hero is born under unusual (sometimes supernatural) circumstances, like having a mother from Kansas.
2. Hero has a weird name, like " Luke Skywalker" or "Barack Hussein Obama".
3. Hero doesn't want to be anyone special, maybe just your average lawyer on the south side of Chicago.
4. Hero is clearly someone special.
3. Hero is chosen to save the world or something really important like that, and is told to do so, often by a prophet or mentor of some sort, like Yoda or Jeremiah Wright, who often seems crazy at first.
4. Hero doesn't want to go on an epic journey, but he really should.
5. Hero is noble and true and goes anyway.
6. Hero travels to the underworld, or someplace really bad and full of demons, like the senate or that swampy planet Yoda lives on.
7. Hero somehow ends up killing his father (okay, not Obamaesque...), having sex with his mother (really not Obamaesque), and winning a big fight or two.
8. Hero either saves the world or turns evil and tries to destroy it, thus inspiring future heroes to rise up against him.

It's the last part of number eight that really sucks balls.

Perhaps I have not convinced you yet that Obama is the epic chosen one, for good or ill? Well, just read this Yoda translation of a random bit of Obama speech, and I'm sure all will be made clear:

"Be our brother's keeper, let us, scripture tells us. Be our sister's keeper, let us. Find that common stake we all have in one another, let us, and as well let our politics reflect that spirit. Yeesssssss." -Obama translated through Yoda

Or, perhaps, "my friends," someone else is our chosen one?