Deeper than Asparagus

I planted sixty asparagus plants these past few days. Which means that, if you come and visit me in three years, we'll have some tasty asparagus! (Asparagus takes three years to get started, but then it comes back every year for 20-30 years.)

I also planted a bunch of other stuff.

I have a little confession to make. It has to do with why we bought the farm. Part of the appeal of it, for me, is this idea of self sufficiency if the apocalypse should arrive unexpectedly.

I don't mean the biblical version, per se. I mean some sort of amazing disaster that would render our society useless, where everyone would have to fend for themselves. There's always been this part of me that really relates to those people who have bomb shelters stocked with food and weapons. I mean, really, who's to say nothing will happen? Just because it hasn't yet?

The kind of things I'd like to protect against are statistically unlikely, for sure. But think of all the things that have happened in your life that really weren't likely to happen. Ever gotten a disease that only ten percent or less of all people get? Ever run into someone you knew while traveling abroad? Ever seen a ghost?

Anyway, you get the idea. Here are some possibilities for the future, things which I normally scoff at in public, but it's a lying, cheating scoff:

Zombies! I have Grandpa Al's old butcher knives, and I know exactly where they are. (Blades don't need reloading.) Also, the location in a hidden valley is really ideal for spotting zombies hobbling down the road.

Plague! Should 90% of the population be killed off by pestilence, I hope to soon have a stockpile of food, which will render it plausible to cut myself off from the infected population and live here, all alone with my husband and child.

War! Again, good location in the valley, knives, food. I also think no one would ever bother to come out here. We're not on the way to anywhere, thankfully. Seriously, though, we're not safe against invasion. But what can one do?

Alien Invasion! Well, honestly, I don't think about that too much. But maybe it's already happened.

Large scale corn or soybean die off! I'm planting all sorts of heirloom plants.

Livestock diseases! We've got the exotic chickens to lay our exotic eggs. They should be immune to things which attack the most common varieties. It's all good.

So, now you know my secret! And don't tell me you don't ever think about these things, too. How much food is in your pantry?


  1. Should I be in the path of a zombie attack, plague, hurricane or even a light snow, I'd either starve or fight Elvis for crunchy food pellets. This is to say that both Char-Grill and Snoopy's would have to be out of business too. Were that to happen, life would not be worth living.

  2. My plan, in case of an apocalyptic event, is to die.

  3. Some part of me relates to both of you. I mean, really, what's the point of surviving without, say, Culver's? But I like to live the life of the maverick, the outlaw, you understand. I just like to think of myself this way. For better or worse!

    But, Dad, really- in the case of an apocalyptic event, I could see Cloverdale not noticing.

  4. I always just assumed that when the zombies or aliens attacked I would somehow awaken some latent martial arts and weapons skills that I never knew I had in me.
    I've already got the leather pants/tank top combo and about 4 pairs of sunglasses at the ready. I'm still unclear on the proper hair style of said apocalypse. Should I go for the slicked back pony tail or simply shave my head?

  5. Christina, when considering apocalyptic fashion, keep in mind "WWJD" or "What Would Joan (Jet) Do?" You're definitely on the right track. Non-punk readers should consider watching "The Postman"- so we know exactly who the dweebs are, after the Apocalypse.

  6. I'm with Bob.There we'll be. (where?)

  7. You and The Husband should really get together. He has this (surprisingly sane) theory of mutants and also believes some catalysmic disaster is imminent.

    He would advise you to plant a grove of nut trees as well. Protein, you know.

  8. I did order some nut and fruit trees from the Arbor Day Society! They will send them when it's time to plant, so they say.

    I'm sure mutants exist.