1. Talking with my friend Heather:
Heather: "I don't like how pig tastes like human flesh. I prefer eating chicken or turkey."
Me (facetiously): "And how would you know what human flesh tastes like?"
Heather: "Oh, my sister's law firm represented Jeffrey Dahmer."
Me: "????"
Heather: "Yeah, seriously."
Heather always has the most horrible stories. And no, I still don't know how she knows what human flesh tastes like, but she claims that pirates used to call it "Long Pork."
2. Selling at the farmer's market:
We have a booth next to a couple who bake pies and sell the pies by the slice at the farmer's market. The woman is originally from Scotland, and speaks with that accent. The baker couple has seventeen children. (That's not relevant to the story, but it's worth mentioning.) They always sit on low chairs behind their table full of pies. Today it was intermittently windy. It would be perfectly still, and then suddenly a giant gust would come up and blow over my signs for fresh eggs and chicken. One of those gusts of wind came up and, splat! A coconut cream pie went right in the Scottish baker's face. The wind had just picked it up and threw it at her! But that's not the highlight. The highlight was her nonchalant attitude. She just wiped it off, liked her fingers and said,
"Well, if you're me, you know that at some point, you're bound to get hit with a pie in the face, and that's all there is to it. Especially married to him." Her portly husband just sat next to her and grinned. Naturally, no one had a camera handy.
3. Big Z sold one of her cucumbers. (The cucumber plant was fruitful.) Then no one seemed to be buying any more, so she got the Scottish woman with seventeen children who had just gotten a pie in the face from God to cut up a cucumber for her, and Big Z went around and gave everyone at the farmer's market a free sample of her cucumbers, in the form of one slice of one giant cucumber. This didn't inspire anyone to purchase a cucumber, but it did make many adults happy, to see someone so young be so enthusiastic about vegetables. (The tomato seller said, "It's nice to see someone so young be so enthusiastic about vegetables.") And then Big Z bought four pints of cherry tomatoes, and ate half of them right there. And then she accidentally stepped on the bag full of tomatoes, and squished one, but the rest were pretty much okay. All in all, it was a good time at the farmer's market.
Heather: "I don't like how pig tastes like human flesh. I prefer eating chicken or turkey."
Me (facetiously): "And how would you know what human flesh tastes like?"
Heather: "Oh, my sister's law firm represented Jeffrey Dahmer."
Me: "????"
Heather: "Yeah, seriously."
Heather always has the most horrible stories. And no, I still don't know how she knows what human flesh tastes like, but she claims that pirates used to call it "Long Pork."
2. Selling at the farmer's market:
 |
| Fabulous baker with seventeen children blocked by shopping bikers in photo. |
We have a booth next to a couple who bake pies and sell the pies by the slice at the farmer's market. The woman is originally from Scotland, and speaks with that accent. The baker couple has seventeen children. (That's not relevant to the story, but it's worth mentioning.) They always sit on low chairs behind their table full of pies. Today it was intermittently windy. It would be perfectly still, and then suddenly a giant gust would come up and blow over my signs for fresh eggs and chicken. One of those gusts of wind came up and, splat! A coconut cream pie went right in the Scottish baker's face. The wind had just picked it up and threw it at her! But that's not the highlight. The highlight was her nonchalant attitude. She just wiped it off, liked her fingers and said,
"Well, if you're me, you know that at some point, you're bound to get hit with a pie in the face, and that's all there is to it. Especially married to him." Her portly husband just sat next to her and grinned. Naturally, no one had a camera handy.
3. Big Z sold one of her cucumbers. (The cucumber plant was fruitful.) Then no one seemed to be buying any more, so she got the Scottish woman with seventeen children who had just gotten a pie in the face from God to cut up a cucumber for her, and Big Z went around and gave everyone at the farmer's market a free sample of her cucumbers, in the form of one slice of one giant cucumber. This didn't inspire anyone to purchase a cucumber, but it did make many adults happy, to see someone so young be so enthusiastic about vegetables. (The tomato seller said, "It's nice to see someone so young be so enthusiastic about vegetables.") And then Big Z bought four pints of cherry tomatoes, and ate half of them right there. And then she accidentally stepped on the bag full of tomatoes, and squished one, but the rest were pretty much okay. All in all, it was a good time at the farmer's market.
Christopher Hitchens mentioned Long Pork in his book, God is Not Great, and I have heard that before. I obviously can't speak to the truth of that statement, and good lord if Heather can, that's probably something she should keep her mouth shut about! But anyway, scientifically, it makes sense if it's true because pigs are the closest analogues to humans other than different species of primates. That's why we dissected fetal pigs in high school anatomy. I mean, they couldn't get us a real corpse (which would have been best) and people, myself included, object to dissecting chimpanzees for science, so pig was the next best choice.
ReplyDelete