In this economy, you can’t afford not to be cheap! I was born cheap, personally, so I now feel obliged to give my fellow minions some advice to help you wade your way through this difficult financial climate. I think this may be a regular feature: “Tightwad Tuesday”.
My first chunk of gold for you is a bit obvious, but it’s amazing how few people actually do it. The best way to save money is, of course, not to pay for anything! Now, if you find the idea of thievery repugnant, I have a step by step program for you to help you ease into it naturally. (I’m a great fan of “Kaizen” or the power of small steps for great change.) By the time you are done with my program, you’ll be shoplifting with the stars!*
The next time you go out to eat, put a few condiments in your purse, maybe some butter or cream if you live here in Wisconsin. If you don’t carry a purse now, you need to start. Men, it’s okay. You can have a man bag. If you’re a French man, you may even enjoy calling it your “purse” without irony.
The next time you go on vacation, get a library card, check out a bunch of books you enjoy, and then take them home.
Wear a giant fur coat to the movies, with lots of popcorn inside. Alternately: wear a giant fur coat to the movies, with your young daughter inside.
Visit your local college and take two rolls of toilet paper out of a restroom.
Go to a very busy bus stop. When a bus stops there, and someone gets out the back door, slip inside and ride around town a bit. (If you’re having difficulty getting up the nerve to do this, pop a valium before hand. It works wonders. Most doctors will prescribe valium for terrible back pain.)
Go to your local Sears store, and wander around the hardware department until you see a register with no one attending to it. Take a roll of their security tape.
Late at night, go to a Goodwill store with a drop-off area for donations. Make sure it’s near a really expensive neighborhood. It doesn’t matter if there is a sign to say not to - most people will leave good clothes there after hours. Just drive up and throw a bunch of stuff in your trunk. Don’t have a car? Hitchhike or ask a friend.
Shoplift a maternity shirt somewhere. If you’re a man, shoplift a big shirt somewhere, or shoplift a maternity shirt, a wig, and some cosmetics from Walgreens. Get a little balloon, and blow it up and put it under your shirt. Now you are ready to grocery shop! Just gently release the air from the balloon as you stock up on necessary food items.
Take a lined overcoat from Goodwill. Unzip the lining, then sew ten or more large pockets into the lining. Make them the size of things you buy a lot. For example, if you enjoy vintage vinyl, make a pocket big enough for a record inside. Then, try it out. (Bonus tip: here’s a good getting-to-know-you game for a first date: Your date can fake a seizure in the record shop while you stuff your coat with records! You can split the loot when all is said and done. Be sure and lift some Barry White for late night fun!)
Take that roll of security tape you took from Sears, and go to Sears with it. Put tape around a chain saw and a color television. Walk home with the t.v. in one hand, the chain saw in the other.
Gone through all the steps? Congratulations! In this economy, knowledge is power. You heard it here.
* I’d like to credit my mother for teaching me everything I know.