You know you're a ____________ when...

I've changed a lot in the past year, but I don't know what I've changed into. Maybe you can help me? Here are some things I have done recently that I never did before (but I'll say "you" so you all can relate):

1. You watch a horror movie that's supposed to be about demons, but all you can think the whole time is that there's a raccoon in the house and they need to call an exterminator.

2. You watch your house for an hour and a half in the freezing cold, as the sun slowly descends on its nightly twilight path, watching for a bat to come out, somewhere. Where does the bat get in? is the foremost question in your mind. In the end, the bat eludes you, and you decide she is sleeping away the winter in your ceiling, and resign yourself to that.

3. You enjoy burning things for pleasure and heat (the heat part is what you tell yourself).

4. You sell eggs.

5. You spend ten minutes talking with sales clerks, two hours socializing with insurance agents, fifteen minutes with hunters wandering the area.

6. You see an old man standing in the freezing rain, by a mailbox, by a farm, in the middle of nowhere, and you pick him up and drive him all the way into town, even though he turns out to be one of those folks who talks with dead people.

7. You eat lamb.

8. You remove a dead, orange cat from a country road and set it down carefully in the grass, out of some hither unknown sense of common doom, of pity, and of a love of cats, even though they kill birds.

9. You think vegetables aren't fresh anymore if they've been separated from the earth for more than two hours.

10. You look down on people who drink "skim milk".

11. When your daughter bids good night, sleep well, I love you (in Swedish) to her butterfly wings, you feel an unearthly sense of Déjà vu.


  1. I don't know what you are, but I think you're wonderful.
    I have always looked down on people who drink "skim milk." I guess I am a ____, too.

  2. I think you're wonderful, too, Gina. You're such a good ___________ .

  3. I'm people who drink skimmed milk.

    I'm people with high cholesterol, so if I'm going to spend it on dairy that dairy sure as hell better be in a cake. That's my take on it. Perhaps that makes me ________.

  4. Maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental. Sometimes I'm a _______________, but sometimes I can be a real _______________, too.

  5. You are a better person than me because, after waiting patiently for a rat to decide outside was a better place to exist than under my stove, I allowed my husband to set out a trap that killed the beast, and not in a nice way.

  6. "The trap that killed the beast and not in a nice way" would make a great kids book, no?