At five AM this morning, I awoke with a shriek. A midget Gollom creature was hovering over me in the dark. It said in a creepy whisper,

"There's something scary in my room." 

It was Little Z.

"Oh! It's you. What is it?"

"I don't know. Just something scary."

We went to her room to investigate what she later would describe as "a one eyed monster." We turned on the lights, and the one eyed monster turned out to be this horror: 
The peacock, actually. Not Bodkay.

I went back to sleep and I dreamed that I lived in a giant mansion with all of my extended family. Grandma Ruth said, "let's go to the attic and look at the Halloween pictures." So, we started walking to the attic. Strangely, to get to the attic, we had to go down. Down, down, down the steps we went, until we got to an open room with a sleeping vampire and some statues. Grandma introduced me to one of the statues,

"This is Satan," she said. 

As soon as she introduced Satan, the statue came to life. Satan started gnashing his teeth and snarling at me, but he was only four inches tall. I immediately took out my iPhone to get a picture of Satan and post it to Facebook. But he wouldn't stand still! Damn you, Satan. Why can't you just cooperate? What's wrong with you?

Suddenly, the vampire woke up. She had red teeth, and came lunging toward the back of my neck, but right before she bit me, she stopped and posed with me for a selfie. She never bit me. It was all about the picture. 


  1. Damn you, Satan. Why can't you just cooperate? What's wrong with you?

    This is going into a book, right? Please tell me this is going to be actual dialog in a book.