In this economy, you can’t afford not to be cheap! I was born cheap, personally, so I now feel obliged to give my fellow minions some advice to help you wade your way through this difficult financial climate. I think this may be a regular feature: “Tightwad Tuesday”.
My first chunk of gold for you is a bit obvious, but it’s amazing how few people actually do it. The best way to save money is, of course, not to pay for anything! Now, if you find the idea of thievery repugnant, I have a step by step program for you to help you ease into it naturally. (I’m a great fan of “Kaizen” or the power of small steps for great change.) By the time you are done with my program, you’ll be shoplifting with the stars!*
Step 1:
The next time you go out to eat, put a few condiments in your purse, maybe some butter or cream if you live here in Wisconsin. If you don’t carry a purse now, you need to start. Men, it’s okay. You can have a man bag. If you’re a French man, you may even enjoy calling it your “purse” without irony.
Step 2:
The next time you go on vacation, get a library card, check out a bunch of books you enjoy, and then take them home.
Step 3:
Wear a giant fur coat to the movies, with lots of popcorn inside. Alternately: wear a giant fur coat to the movies, with your young daughter inside.
Step 4:
Visit your local college and take two rolls of toilet paper out of a restroom.
Step 5:
Go to a very busy bus stop. When a bus stops there, and someone gets out the back door, slip inside and ride around town a bit. (If you’re having difficulty getting up the nerve to do this, pop a valium before hand. It works wonders. Most doctors will prescribe valium for terrible back pain.)
Step 6:
Go to your local Sears store, and wander around the hardware department until you see a register with no one attending to it. Take a roll of their security tape.
Step 7:
Late at night, go to a Goodwill store with a drop-off area for donations. Make sure it’s near a really expensive neighborhood. It doesn’t matter if there is a sign to say not to - most people will leave good clothes there after hours. Just drive up and throw a bunch of stuff in your trunk. Don’t have a car? Hitchhike or ask a friend.
Step 8:
Shoplift a maternity shirt somewhere. If you’re a man, shoplift a big shirt somewhere, or shoplift a maternity shirt, a wig, and some cosmetics from Walgreens. Get a little balloon, and blow it up and put it under your shirt. Now you are ready to grocery shop! Just gently release the air from the balloon as you stock up on necessary food items.
Step 9:
Take a lined overcoat from Goodwill. Unzip the lining, then sew ten or more large pockets into the lining. Make them the size of things you buy a lot. For example, if you enjoy vintage vinyl, make a pocket big enough for a record inside. Then, try it out. (Bonus tip: here’s a good getting-to-know-you game for a first date: Your date can fake a seizure in the record shop while you stuff your coat with records! You can split the loot when all is said and done. Be sure and lift some Barry White for late night fun!)
Step 10:
Take that roll of security tape you took from Sears, and go to Sears with it. Put tape around a chain saw and a color television. Walk home with the t.v. in one hand, the chain saw in the other.
Gone through all the steps? Congratulations! In this economy, knowledge is power. You heard it here.
* I’d like to credit my mother for teaching me everything I know.
Puke Day Cake
"Puke Day" is March 9. It's the day we celebrate, each year, the day we were going to get married, but had to postpone the wedding until the next day, because we both had food poisoning. I used to bake cakes for the occassion, but they generally turned out awful, so this year, we bought one. It's a "torte".
I had a conversation with the baker which isn't really blog worthy, but whatever:
Me: "I know it's kind of weird, but I don't like chocolate."
Old Man Baker: "Hey, I'm not here to judge! You're the customer!" *
* [Later that night, Old Man Baker blogged about his true feelings, "I met this freak today who wanted a cake with no chocolate..."]
I had a conversation with the baker which isn't really blog worthy, but whatever:
Me: "I know it's kind of weird, but I don't like chocolate."
Old Man Baker: "Hey, I'm not here to judge! You're the customer!" *
* [Later that night, Old Man Baker blogged about his true feelings, "I met this freak today who wanted a cake with no chocolate..."]
Happy Decade, Mr. Door!
Today is our anniversary. I have now been married a decade. Wow! I feel emboldened to give unwanted advice.
Cellar Door gives ten orders on marriage:
1. Marry someone way cooler than you are.
2. Be nice.
3. Recognize that most fights are really stupid, and if you insist on fighting, go to Target and fight in public. It will give you a new perspective.
4. Give compliments as often as they come to mind.
5. Shut up when you have nothing nice to say.
6. That being said, speak up if you have a problem, just try to frame it as honestly as possible.
7. If you want children, marry someone who enjoys children, and who also embodies the traits you would like to see in your child, although you may be lacking in them yourself. I, for instance, always wanted my child to have a prominent chin (it brings business success, I’m sure) but I have a bit of an overbite and a small chin, so I married a Morrissey look-alike [he doesn’t look a thing like Morrissey now- see number 10], and this way, Little Z. had a fifty fifty chance of having a desirably prominent chin.
8. Realize that everyone has nasty habits. It may be smoking, dribbling, or chewing with your mouth open, chewing snuff, spitting in public, scratching his balls a lot, farting all night, or all of the above. Really, it’s no big deal. Get over it.
9. Never compare your marriage with anyone else’s marriage. You didn’t marry anyone but the person you married.
10. That being said, realize that the person you married is not the person you are married to. People change. Love and life are transient things. “Change is the nature of the Tao,” as it says in that really frustratingly vague book about life. But it’s true. All we can do is cherish this moment. And that's a really, really good thing.
Cellar Door gives ten orders on marriage:
1. Marry someone way cooler than you are.
2. Be nice.
3. Recognize that most fights are really stupid, and if you insist on fighting, go to Target and fight in public. It will give you a new perspective.
4. Give compliments as often as they come to mind.
5. Shut up when you have nothing nice to say.
6. That being said, speak up if you have a problem, just try to frame it as honestly as possible.
7. If you want children, marry someone who enjoys children, and who also embodies the traits you would like to see in your child, although you may be lacking in them yourself. I, for instance, always wanted my child to have a prominent chin (it brings business success, I’m sure) but I have a bit of an overbite and a small chin, so I married a Morrissey look-alike [he doesn’t look a thing like Morrissey now- see number 10], and this way, Little Z. had a fifty fifty chance of having a desirably prominent chin.
8. Realize that everyone has nasty habits. It may be smoking, dribbling, or chewing with your mouth open, chewing snuff, spitting in public, scratching his balls a lot, farting all night, or all of the above. Really, it’s no big deal. Get over it.
9. Never compare your marriage with anyone else’s marriage. You didn’t marry anyone but the person you married.
10. That being said, realize that the person you married is not the person you are married to. People change. Love and life are transient things. “Change is the nature of the Tao,” as it says in that really frustratingly vague book about life. But it’s true. All we can do is cherish this moment. And that's a really, really good thing.
Missing the human touch...
I went to the post office today to buy stamps from the vending machine, and the stamp vending machine was gone. On the wall, behind where it used to stand, was a sign: "Buy stamps on line!"
Well, okay. I bought stamps on the old internet tubes.
Did you know, though, that buying stamps on line is more difficult than purchasing a goat on ebay? Among other things, the USPS asked me my mother's maiden name, my nickname (what?), and whether my stamps would be purchased for personal or business use. (I only bought the LOVE stamps for myself! I swear! I mean, I might give one or two to my husband, but-) I was then instructed to visit a nearby park at exactly 23:11 hours and collect a suitcase from the northernmost park bench, which would contain a dossier with further instructions as to how to procure said stamps.
I guess, in this economy, you can't be too careful.
"In this economy" is the new "in bed."
Remember how, when you were young and all, you used to say, "in bed" after reading your fortune cookie, and snicker? Oh, that is so out. The new thing is to say, "in this economy" after everything you say. Yep.
It started at home, I think, after shoe shopping at Payless, and encountering a salesgirl who assumed we were newly down and out "in this economy." Like money had just been no object before. She told us the history of Payless Shoe Store. She was very enthusiastic. She wouldn't let us buy anything, because they were going to have a sale on Tuesday, and, you know, in this economy...
When we got home, we couldn't stop saying it:
"I think I'll have another slice of pie... in this economy."
"Yeah, I'm really hungry in this economy."
"The weather is awfully nice in this economy."
"Good thing, in this economy. What with heat being what it is in this economy."
Then, phase two began. I branched out. I started saying it to random people in public. I find that it takes on a different meaning, depending on context:
...at the grocery store,
"I'm buying potatoes- in this economy." [that's all we can afford.]
"Oprah's put on a few pounds in this economy." [rich bitch- buying all that food!]
... in the elevator,
"I'm going up to the twelfth floor, in this economy." [what with all the lay-offs, guess I'll jump off the roof.]
... at the doctor's office,
"Baby's sick in this economy." [how to pay the doctor bills?]
That's Phase 2, saying the phrase to strangers. Phase 3 is when you can actually get other people to say it. It's fun! I got a lady at Farm and Fleet to say it. Such a feeling of accomplishment, in this economy.
I know, I know. I shouldn't joke about such things. In this economy, especially.
Try it! You'll like it!
It started at home, I think, after shoe shopping at Payless, and encountering a salesgirl who assumed we were newly down and out "in this economy." Like money had just been no object before. She told us the history of Payless Shoe Store. She was very enthusiastic. She wouldn't let us buy anything, because they were going to have a sale on Tuesday, and, you know, in this economy...
When we got home, we couldn't stop saying it:
"I think I'll have another slice of pie... in this economy."
"Yeah, I'm really hungry in this economy."
"The weather is awfully nice in this economy."
"Good thing, in this economy. What with heat being what it is in this economy."
Then, phase two began. I branched out. I started saying it to random people in public. I find that it takes on a different meaning, depending on context:
...at the grocery store,
"I'm buying potatoes- in this economy." [that's all we can afford.]
"Oprah's put on a few pounds in this economy." [rich bitch- buying all that food!]
... in the elevator,
"I'm going up to the twelfth floor, in this economy." [what with all the lay-offs, guess I'll jump off the roof.]
... at the doctor's office,
"Baby's sick in this economy." [how to pay the doctor bills?]
That's Phase 2, saying the phrase to strangers. Phase 3 is when you can actually get other people to say it. It's fun! I got a lady at Farm and Fleet to say it. Such a feeling of accomplishment, in this economy.
I know, I know. I shouldn't joke about such things. In this economy, especially.
Try it! You'll like it!
Memories of Bubble Wrap
Well, it turns out I won't get to be an art teacher tomorrow, after all, because Little Z. needs me to stay home. She's got some sort of wicked cold and a fever. Thanks for all of your suggestions, though! They were very entertaining.
Ms. von Hathor's suggestions reminded me of these old friends of mine in Pueblo, Penny and Tamara. Penny and Tamara were thirty-somethings who both worked at a bike shop. I went into the bike shop one day, when business was slow, to purchase a bicycle tube. Tamara and another employee there had packaged Penny (who is very petite) completely in bubble wrap. I'm not sure I said that correctly. Penny was just bubble wrap with a head sticking out of one end, little feet out of the other. There was no Penny, really, just this giant mound of bubble wrap, taped together, which Tamara and some guy were rolling around on the floor of the bike shop, to pop all of the bubbles- because that is just SO MUCH FUN! POPPING ALL OF THOSE BUBBLES! OH_MY_GOD!
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Penny was just laughing and laughing. They had actually hidden her behind the counter, when they heard a customer was coming, but then they propped her up on her little feet sticking out of the bottom of her bubbly encasing when they saw that it was just me.
Penny and Tamara. Bubble wrap. You heard it here first.
The rolling in glitter and cardboard robot comments made me think of that.
Ms. von Hathor's suggestions reminded me of these old friends of mine in Pueblo, Penny and Tamara. Penny and Tamara were thirty-somethings who both worked at a bike shop. I went into the bike shop one day, when business was slow, to purchase a bicycle tube. Tamara and another employee there had packaged Penny (who is very petite) completely in bubble wrap. I'm not sure I said that correctly. Penny was just bubble wrap with a head sticking out of one end, little feet out of the other. There was no Penny, really, just this giant mound of bubble wrap, taped together, which Tamara and some guy were rolling around on the floor of the bike shop, to pop all of the bubbles- because that is just SO MUCH FUN! POPPING ALL OF THOSE BUBBLES! OH_MY_GOD!
Penny was just laughing and laughing. They had actually hidden her behind the counter, when they heard a customer was coming, but then they propped her up on her little feet sticking out of the bottom of her bubbly encasing when they saw that it was just me.
Penny and Tamara. Bubble wrap. You heard it here first.
The rolling in glitter and cardboard robot comments made me think of that.
Art Teacher Substitute, Again!
I'm going to substitute for the elementary school art teacher again on Monday! They called and requested me. I feel so special. I get to see the budding artists again. Any activity suggestions? What would you do? Her lesson plans last time were useful, and also very flexible, so that I don't need suggestions, per se, but it would be interesting to hear from you.
Unexpected Cleaning Tip
This is titled, "Unexpected" because, if you've visited me, you might not expect me to be giving out cleaning tips! No that I'm a complete slob, but cleaning is not a number one priority for me. However, that being said, I cleaned the ceiling fan in the dining room a few days ago, and I am quite proud of my method. Normally, I dislike cleaning the ceiling fan, because all of that dust goes all over the room, and then you have to either put up with a dirty room or clean the rest of the space, too. No worries anymore! This last time, I just got a pillow case wet, stood on a chair, put each blade in the pillow case, and pulled a pillow case slowly over each fan blade. All of the dirt stayed in the pillow case! Then I washed the pillow cases in the washing machine. I polished the fan dry with a wash cloth, and voila:
a clean ceiling fan, without messing up the rest of the room.
a clean ceiling fan, without messing up the rest of the room.
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