The Best Holiday Gift

A few days ago, Little Z was sitting on my lap, and we were reading The Nightgown of the Sullen Moon together. Right in the middle of it, Little Z says, "I gotta go potty." She jumps off my lap and runs to the bathroom, stripping off all of her clothes (including her diaper) along the way. (She has never really gone to the bathroom of her own accord before- it's always been my idea.) She likes very much to be naked, so I didn't really think anything was going on. And then she just, you know, does it. The number one. Right where it ought to go, in the ol' commode, just like that!

"Help! I need some help here!" she yells. Then she points to the toilet paper, "Paper!" (It's beyond her reach.)

And, you know, she just does everything you do in the bathroom. Washing hands and all that. My little girl.

For those of you who aren't parents, this potty training thing is so huge- and so bizarre. You have this little creature who just seems to get wilder and smarter as she grows and you're supposed to teach her what now? How to use the what? And do what with the what? Holy crap. What was I thinking when I went off the pill?

And then they go and surprise you one day. (It wasn't completely random. We had checked out a box of books at the library labeled "Potty Training Board Books"- and she made me read a few of them to her, earlier in the day.)

Not that I haven't tried to teach her before, mind you. Really. A lot has come before this. Things you really don't want to know about.

Lest you think this will be a one time occurrence (that's what I thought) she did it again the next morning! And by tonight, we were having a most bizarre argument,

"We're going on a long drive tonight, honey, and I think maybe you should wear a diaper."
"No! Me do self!" (She grabs her pair of panties from me and starts eating them, inexplicably.)
"You shouldn't eat your panties!" (She takes them out of her mouth.) "But why don't you wear a diaper? There's no potty in the car."
"No!" (She starts putting her panties on- totally wrong, and I help her.)
"Maybe you could wear a diaper over your panties?"
"How about these panties?" I hold up a pair of panties with a plastic lining- really just a cloth diaper.
And then I realize, I'm being really stupid here. Why should I try and convince her not to be potty trained? We ended up putting a towel under her in the car seat, but it turned out not to be necessary. She was just fine.

So, I've decided that, if she continues in this manner (which I have a feeling she will), this will be absolutely the best holiday present ever. I know it wasn't technically supposed to be a gift, but I'll take it. I mean, it did start during Hanukkah (Chanukkah?) and I'm technically half Jewish (in spite of my mother's giant velour painting of "The Last Supper") so it counts.

What has been your best holiday gift ever?


  1. I had to read the pantie eating exchange out loud to my husband. That was the funniest thing I have ever heard! Congrats too, I'm not a parent but I've seen how frustrating potty training can be.
    As for my best gift, I'm going with my husband, who I met during the holidays 3 years ago.

  2. That's just wonderful! Holiday pee pee magic!

    My best present at xmas was a sewing machine, and little purple and red silk sewing box, from my parents. Or the My Little Pony Castle. Majesty!

  3. hmm. My best present might have been the stuffed (as in stuffed animal of cloth, not as in taxidermy) parrot sitting on a perch that my Dad gave me when I was 9 or so. I loved that bird!

    Merry Christmas from Little Z! I look forward to more wonderful Little Z stories this coming year. Makes me wish I'd kept a journal (blogs didn't exist) when my kids were young. I did for about 8 days, and those entries are pretty darn funny.