40 Reasons Why
1. Yeah, those are jeggings I'm wearing.
2. I'm now permitted to look disparagingly at younger women, raise one eyebrow, and say, "I don't like your tone."
4. More wine.
5. Did I say wine yet?
6. I understand tongues.
7. Not really, but I don't care what you think.
8. I'm better at everything now. I have more practice.
9. I've saved my dad's life now at least once, so he thinks he needs to appreciate me, and he says such nice things. Hi, Dad! I love you!
10. My kid distracts people from my own inappropriate behaviour.
11. My kid and my dad entertain each other, so I can wander off and... did I mention wine yet?
12. When I was twenty, I used to mildly make fun of men, and they thought I liked them (and by liked, I mean that they thought I wanted to have sex with them). Now, it's less awkward. I mildly make fun of men, and they... thank me for being so nice to them? Wait? Am I doing something wrong, here?
13. My cats love me so much.
14. I don't worry about peer pressure any more. I killed all those bitches.
15. Reality doesn't bother me much any more.
16. Hair dye.
17. The clothes I never got rid of from my teen years are in style again.
18. "I'm still alive," she said. "Oh, but do I deserve to be?"
20. Have not yet been hacked to death by a maniac.
21. A&W still has great onion rings.
22. I used to write long, rambling diaries that nobody read. Now I write long, rambling blog posts that forty people read. On a good day.
23. Today is a good day. I have a feeling about it.
24. Today, I set the record of most consecutive days alive! Huzah!
25. I have cool sheep.
26. I love you guys. Seriously. I have the best readers.
27. I have a constant food supply.
28. I can fly! I mean, I have to buy a ticket and go through security and all that. But, I can fly!
29. Whatever you saw... whatever you say you saw... well, say what you will about Putin, but he sure knew how to put on an olympics!
30. Trash picking.
31. I love you guys. For real. Dude.
33. Wine is sort of a present subject, if you know what I mean.
34. Forty is so old. What the hell? Where did the time go? Why didn't I major in art? I mean, seriously. Larry Heartsfield was cool and all, but dude. I should've been an artist all along. What the hell was I thinking? Honestly, I think I got hit on the head in the barn one day, and then, I can't explain it, the next day I was a painter. Life is strange and unpredictable. That's all I can say about that.
35. I'm Ben Bernanke. Give me a tall glass of water.
36. The secret to happiness is low expectations.
38. Did I mention that many of my neighbors have their Christmas decorations up? It's been a hard winter.
39. Unbearable tension + time = comedy.
40. The main difference between twenty and forty is I don't give a rat's ass what y'all think. I am renaissance woman. I am perfectly fine, as I am, as I will be, as I will continue. And you all are wonderful. Happy birthday to me.
I turned forty today.