Public Speaking Made Easy

Little Z is going to talk in front of her entire school today, around 200 children. BAH talked in front of a group of 100 people at his work yesterday. Little Z puts it like this,

"That makes sense, because big people are bigger than little people. So, I talk in front of 200 little people and he talks in front of 100 big people. It's the same thing."

You see, public speaking is simply all about mass. Take the mass of an average adult: about 70 Kilograms. Multiply that by the number of audience members in BAH's talk:

70 x 100 = 7,000 Kilograms

7,000 is the mass of BAH's audience for his public speaking engagement.

Now, consider Little Z's audience: 200 little people, with an average mass of about 20 kilograms. Multiply that by the number of audience members in Little Z's talk:

20 x 200 = 4,000 Kilograms

We now have a range of mass of audience members of between 4,000 and 7,000 kilograms. This might seem like a large spread, but there are more factors:

A giggle will lighten a body's mass by .767 kilograms, per giggle, per nanosecond. So, if you consider the average number of giggles in each relative group, the difference between mass of the two groups becomes more dramatic:

BAH's Group: .767(mass lost per giggle) x 8(total number of giggles in BAH's group) = 6.136

Subtract that from the total mass, and BAH's group now has a mass of 6993.864 kilograms

Little Z's Group: .767(mass lost per giggle) x 2,698 (total number of giggles in Little Z's group) = 2069.366

Subtract that from the total mass, and Little Z's group now has a mass of 1930.634 kilograms

Now we have an even larger discrepancy:

Little Z's group mass: 1930.634

BAH's group mass: 6993.864

You also have to subtract the missing teeth from Little Z's group:

each tooth has a mass of .002 kilograms multiplied by the number of teeth missing, 369, equals:

.002 x 369 = .738 kilograms (or, almost one giggle)

Subtract from total mass:

2069.366 - .738 = 2068.628 (children's mass, within an order of magnitude)

Now, this is all quite simple, thus far, but we have not included Moutarde's Theory of Massive Mustache, which states that

"Any man with a mustache only counts as a quarter of his weight, as he is not entirely present and simply playing with his mustache."

(Men take note: want to lose weight? Grow a mustache!) Taking that into consideration, we multiply the number of total mass by the number of mustachioed men (and women) in BAH's group, and subtract that number from the total mass. Fortunately, there were 281.44205 men with mustaches in BAH's original group of 100 people, so the mass of the combined men with mustache's (before mustache) was 19,700.944 kilograms. So, we do this simple equation:

We get the exact number of the mass of Little Z's group, 2068.628 kilograms.

Within an order of magnitude.

And that, my friends, is public speaking made easy.


  1. "Fortunately, there were 281.44205 men with mustaches in BAH's original group of 100 people"

    Living in a college town full of hipsters, this makes way more sense than it should.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Lessee, eleventy-seven, carry the won...yep, makes cents to me! :)